Why 
by Althea K. 



I know you couldn't possibly understand. And that's alright. I don't
expect you to. 

And I know that if I did try to explain it to you, you would protest
and say that I'm wrong, that no one will ever be more important to
you than I. And that's alright, too. Because I would know you didn't
mean to lie. 

Someday, you'll be gone. Oh, sure, we might stay in touch:
occasional phone calls with long, uncomfortable silences, chance
meetings in public places involving forced, halting conversation and
maybe some awkward attempt at physical contact. But do you honestly
believe that as the years go by we'll be able to maintain this kind
of intensity? Believe me, there is nothing I would love more than to
remain forever the center of your universe, the focus of your life,
that routine yet joyous event that every day must be planned around.
I would love so much to spend my every moment by your side, to always
have your voice, rough with sleep, be the very first I hear when I
wake each morning. 

But this will never be my place. 

For now I can race through the streets with your hand clasped in
mine; for now I can collapse on the dewey grass with you, my head
resting on your soft belly until the last crazed traces of laughter
have faded from that violent hitching and heaving to the subtlety of
your gentle, steady breath. But there will come a time when I can no
longer crawl into bed with you and dream of your ever loving me as I
love you and pretend to feel your lips against my forehead as I drift
into sleep. There will come a time when there is another in that
place. This fortunate person will be honoured with that goodnight
kiss I have always secretly longed for but never could request from
you. 

Our time together is so limited; I must cherish every moment I can
get. I must burn each and every moment into my memory, tuck each one
away for those bitter times ahead when I will have to watch you from
a distance, walking by his side. What else will keep me warm those
cold nights when you will run to his arms instead of mine? 

There is no way to make you understand such things. I can see it in
your eyes, can feel it in your touch.. 

I wish you wouldn't ask me. 

Whenever I can't answer a question of yours with total honesty, I
feel sick in my heart. I feel like I have lied to you, have somehow
let you down. But if I told you the whole truth, you wouldn't
understand. You simply wouldn't see. The innocence in your voice when
you ask me is enough to make this certain fact. What good would it do
to confuse you, perhaps to frighten you? I don't want to make you cry. 

And you would, wouldn't you? Cry and deny and cling to my arm.
Tangle loving fingers in my hair and tell me the end will never come.
Sing sweet lies to me, unable to see the truth through your tears of
naivety. 

I wish you could blind me with those tears. I wish that I didn't
have to see the lonely nights ahead of me with such perfect clarity.
I could put away my camera and grab your hand and dance with you
until the years fall away like sheets of silk.. I could... I could.. 

I could fall asleep on a pillow no longer damp with tears. 

I could enjoy each moment without the desperate need to capture it
on film. 

I could put away my camera without fear of missing anything.. 

Oh.. I wish I could forget... 

Every smile... Every laugh... I must hold... forever. 

It may be the last you ever share with me. 




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(Legal Disclaimer: The characters and situations of Card Captor
Sakura belong to CLAMP and.. whoever else holds the rights.) 

(Author's Note: If you want to use this fanfic on your website, want
to talk about anime lesbians, or don't know what the hell this fanfic
was about, please email me at either womanprince@hotmail.com or
poorjuri@hotmail.com. Thank you.)