Arigatou by Riesz Fenrir Disclaimer: I don't own CLAMP or Card Captor Sakura. In fact, CLAMP and Card Captor Sakura own me. They own you too, admit it. ^_^ This is the first fanfic I've ever written, about any series, so please don't flame me too hard for it. ^_^; Die-hard fans may well be able to find some inaccuracies, since I've not seen that much of ::cough:: "Cardcaptors" and even less of CCS itself. In fact, this is largely based on the manga, which I have a lot more of (plus it's cuter ^_^). Oh, and a warning: this is angst, pure and simple. Don't expect happy endings. Stuff in = thoughts. ~~~ <"You don't know just how much.... I love you, Sakura."> Tomoyo sat on the bed in the middle of her expansive, exquisitely-decorated quarters at the Daidouji mansion. Not that one would be able to tell from a glance around the room that intricately- patterned magnolia wallpaper, or indeed anything at all, lay behind the countless photographs of Sakura that covered the walls ceiling to floor. One more rested in Tomoyo's hands as she gazed absently out of the window towards Tomoeda Elementary. Tomoyo knew she ought to be at school too, but over these past few weeks, it seemed, Sakura and Syaoran had been getting closer. A *lot* closer. Tomoyo sighed. What was her problem anyway? She had always said she'd be happy if Sakura was happy. And Syaoran did make Sakura happy.... which was the one thing that tore Tomoyo's heart to shreds. Seeing them together like that.... holding hands, laughing...... So here she was, alone in her room, pretending to be too sick to go. Tomoyo's gaze returned to the picture in her hand. Most of the pictures that lined Tomoyo's walls were of Sakura as only Tomoyo knew her; as the Card Captor, the defender of Tomoeda from the Clow Cards' evil...... but this, this was just everday, ordinary Sakura, smiling as she made her way to school. Only there had never been anything "everyday" or "ordinary" about Sakura. She was perfection itself..... the touch of her smooth, soft, lightly- tanned skin..... the way the light danced in those intense, emerald- green eyes when she smiled..... the sweet scent of her short auburn hair..... the gentleness of her voice.... all things that could melt Tomoyo in a heartbeat. A single hot tear slid down Tomoyo's cheek and fell onto the photograph. Her hand, seemingly independent of her conscious mind, reached behind her and groped for something on the bedside table. Tomoyo's trembling hands unsheathed the small penknife as she brought it back into her tear-blurred view. Her eyes closed, squeezing out another tear. The sound of Tomoyo's own scream broke into her thoughts, jolting her back to reality. A place to which she had no desire to return any longer. She didn't need to open her eyes to feel the blood trickling down her arm. Concentrating on the warm sensation, allowing the darkness to encapsulate her senses, coccooning her within herself.... as the initial stinging sensation faded, it began to feel calming, almost.... comforting. Tomoyo wrapped her arms around herself and huddled blindly into her pillows. As if answering her silent call, the phone rang. Reluctantly, almost tentatively, Tomoyo opened her eyes and released the pillow she was hugging, reaching for the pink cellphone with clammy, bloodstained fingers. "M...moshi-moshi?" she half-whispered, her voice weak and shaky. "Tomoyo-chan?" While she knew that only Sakura would ever call her on this phone, the sound of her voice still made her heart jump unexpectedly. "...Hai......" "I was just calling to see how you were..... Terada-sensei said you weren't feeling too good......" "......I'm okay......." "You don't sound it, Tomoyo-chan.......... Do you want me to come over?" Tomoyo took a deep breath. "........Onegai............... if it's not too much trouble.............." Sakura laughed a little on the other end of the phone. "Of course not, baka! Nothing's too much trouble for my best friend!" ".......Arigatou..........." "Okay, I'll be there right away. Ja ne..." "......Ja ne." The line went dead as Sakura hung up. For the ten minutes it took for Sakura to arrive, Tomoyo sat cross-legged on the bed, motionless, her back to the door. She clutched her left arm tightly to her chest, deep crimson fluid soaking into her nightshirt, the pain now reduced to a dull throb. It was in this state that Sakura found her. "Tomoyo-chan.....?" Sakura's soft, inquiring voice floated into her thoughts, at first a distant echo, a lingering echo of a long-faded dream..... then gradually, the voice became clearer, sharper, as though the one she dreamed of stood right by her side......... "Tomoyo-chan?" Tomoyo's eyes flickered open to see Sakura's questioning face, a mixture of concern and anxiety in those deep, all-encapsulating green eyes. "Tomoyo-chan, are you...." Sakura gasped a little as Tomoyo's hand shifted, uncovering the stains on her shirt. "Tomoyo-chan! You're hurt...." Tomoyo whimpered a little as Sakura sat down beside her and gently moved her arm away from her chest to examine the wound. "How did......" Sakura began, stopping in her tracks when her gaze was caught by the bloodied penknife that still lay on the bedclothes. Her eyes turned back to Tomoyo's, green orbs of disbelief meeting greyish- blue pools of fear. A single word escaped her lips. "Why.......?" Tomoyo struggled to break the intensity of Sakura's gaze, but failed. Slowly, her right hand opened to reveal the crumpled, tear- stained picture she had been clutching the entire time. Sakura glanced down at it, then back at Tomoyo, a blank look in her eyes. "I don't understand, Tomoyo-chan...." Another tear silently slid down Tomoyo's cheek, and Sakura absently wiped it away with her fingertips, causing the dark-haired girl to shudder slightly at her friend's tender touch. "S...Sakura-chan....... I.......I......." Tomoyo's cheeks reddened suddenly as the realisation of just how close Sakura was dawned upon her. Suddenly dumbstruck, in a momentary lapse of rational thought she leaned in closer to Sakura and briefly allowed their lips to brush. It did. Sakura jumped back suddenly, her mind swirling with confusion that quickly turned to dizzying realisation. She stared at Tomoyo, who returned the gaze, her eyes threatening tears once more, pleading for acceptance. Sakura felt tears sting her own eyes too as she realised that for the first time in their lives there was nothing she could do to help her friend. "I...... I'm sorry........... Tomoyo-chan.........." Her words barely came out as a whisper, but they were clear enough to Tomoyo. Feeling powerless to do anything else, Sakura turned and fled from the room. ~~~ Too shaken by Tomoyo's unspoken revelation to return to school, Sakura made her way towards Penguin Park in a haze. She sat down heavily inside the great King Penguin that was seemingly Tomoeda's primary landmark, leaning back against its inner walls with an anguished sigh. It wasn't that this kind of thing disgusted her.... it wasn't even that new to her, really. After all, her brother and Yukito..... But somehow, Tomoyo's actions today had changed things between them. The dark-haired girl was her best friend, she had been since third grade, and Sakura couldn't imagine what her life would be like without her, but... after today, she thought, a sickening feeling growing in her stomach at the fact that she could think of her best friend with such callousness, she wasn't sure if she could ever feel comfortable around Tomoyo again. Not in the same way. "Hoeeee......." ~~~ Tomoyo's eyes were fixated on the screen as she sat alone in her video room, the almost stifling darkness illuminated only by the glow of the projected image. The penknife dangled limply from her fingers, crimson liquid flowing freely down the smooth blade from the deep gashes in her wrists, seeming almost black in the half-light. The on-screen Sakura smiled and waved, and Tomoyo couldn't help but manage a wavering attempt at a smile in return. Sakura's image blurred and flickered as as a mixture of sadness, pain and resignation brought new tears to her reddened eyes once more. And as the last scenes of Tomoyo's home movie faded to black, so did Tomoyo's world.... forever. <"Thank you for all your tenderness.... Thank you for all your happiness.... Thank you for all your kindness.... Thank you for all your everything............."> ~~~ Glossary of Japanese terms: arigatou = thank you -chan= affectionate suffix, used between friends, lovers, people who are close moshi-moshi = what the Japanese say when they answer the phone hai = yes -sensei = suffix used for teachers etc. onegai = please baka = silly, stupid, etc. ja ne = see you later hoeee = just Sakura's favourite little expression Author's notes: Crying yet? ;_; Probably with tears of frustration at how people such as me can be allowed to call themselves writers..... Still, I had a go, can't say I didn't. I love S&T fluff as much as the next shoujo-ai fan, it's true, but I don't think there are enough fics out there that deal with the harsh reality - that, while we all know Tomoyo loves Sakura, Sakura almost certainly would not return her feelings... ;_; Also, this was inspired by real, personal feelings, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't riff it no matter how much you think it sucks. Thanks.... and if you liked, or you didn't like, or you want to throw comments/criticism/whatevers my way, email me at fenrirknight@hotmail.com. I promise to reply to all non-flames. Now go and read some fluff! ^_^