Starry, Starry Night by Amazoness Duo amazonessduo@hotmail.com Slam. The door slamming shut fails to startle the usually jumpy Sakura Kinomoto. Perhaps it is because she’s the reason behind it. Perhaps it is because the day has been far too long for her. Her genki spirits are drained, strained to their limit. Even her seemingly boundless energy has limits, apparently. Or perhaps it is simply that she doesn’t care. Her shoes lie sloppily by the door, her body slipping them off only out of years of habit. There they lay, discarded by their mistress as she limps off towards her room, a broken prince making her way back to her conquered kingdom. “I should have known you were home, monster. You make enough noise to wake the dead,” her brother says from the couch. She hardly hears him. Her world is thousands of miles away, a distant speck in the sky. Everything reaches her from light years away, travelling an eternity to reach her. For once she doesn’t feel like arguing. She hasn’t the will to bother. She merely climbs the stairs, one foot at a time, focussing only on the next step. If her brother is concerned by her strange behavior, she pays no attention. Finally returning to her room, the seemingly vanquished Cardmistress stumbles inside. Her bookbag drops to the floor near her door. She doesn’t bother changing out of her school uniform. Keeping it nice and neat, relaxing into something more comfortable, neither matter to her at the moment. She simply collapses on her bed, her body giving up its long struggle to reach that point. She lies there, time standing still. Yet she knows this won’t last. There are more dragons to slay, after all. There’s still far too much going on for her to actually rest for long. The auburn haired girl waits impatiently for the silence to break, for her rest to come to an abrupt halt. But it continues on, a quiet purgatory, halfway between peace and the worries that keep stabbing at her brain for her attention. So apparently Kero isn’t here. She sighs in relief. She doesn’t think she can deal with the Seal Beast at the moment. He’s important to her, but she is feeling too miserable to listen to him right now. He isn’t exactly the best person to go to when she was feeling like this. There was one person who could always help when she was like this. Who always managed to make sense out of her tangled web of feelings, sorting it all out with an expert hand, never breaking a single strand, her gentle touch unraveling the spider’s web in her heart into a single clear thread. But alas, this sorceress of her heart was far away now. Life was so much more difficult without someone to turn to when things went wrong, without someone to subtly lead her in the right direction. It wasn’t until Tomoyo was gone that she realized how much she relied on the other girl. She had never felt this weak and miserable back when Tomoyo had been in her life. No matter how bad things got, the eccentric heiress could take away her worries with a few soft words and usually leave her blushing in the process. Sakura sighs, rolling over onto her back, staring up at her roof. It was her own fault. She should try harder to stay in touch. But it was so difficult. Life was so complicated. And Tomoyo always seemed to be busy with something. And she lived so far away. She had to take a bus just to reach her house. It had all started when they had entered high school. Sakura had been surprised when Tomoyo went to a different high school. She should have known that would happen, but it still hit her pretty hard. Tomoyo was one of the smartest people in her class, after all, always getting high marks in everything. But somehow she had thought Tomoyo would always be there. So they went to different schools. They both had so much to do. And then Syaoran came back and Tomoyo got even busier for some reason. It had been quite a while since Sakura had last seen her dark haired friend. That thought sends a cold chill through her. She feels guilty and lonely all at the same time. Turning her head, Sakura gazes at her phone. Spellbound, she reaches for it. But she can’t call her. It would only seem like she only came to her when she needed help. She should wait until this had passed. So that she could call Tomoyo simply to call her, for nothing else. Yes, that’s a good idea. But it’s too late. The phone is already ringing. Sakura must have dialed while she was thinking about all that. She must have been more eager to call than even she had realized. She sits anxiously, her heart fluttering nervously in her chest. It had been weeks. What should she say? What will Tomoyo think? What has she been up to? The phone rings and rings. Sakura breaths a sigh of mixed relief and disappointment. Tomoyo must not be home. She wants to hear her, but at least this solves her problem of calling when she can’t handle things without her friend’s delicate touch. “Moshi moshi,” a soft voice answers on the other end of the phone. Sakura freezes. She doesn’t know how long it is before she answers, but it feels like a lifetime. She swallows nervously and speaks haltingly into the phone. “Hi.. ano... Tomoyo-chan? Is.. Are you.. This is Sakura-chan.” She blinks, wondering just how stupid she sounds. But her thoughts fail her. She can’t think. In panic, she almost wants to hang up and pretend she didn’t call. Maybe Tomoyo will think it was a wrong number. Well, if she hadn’t mentioned her name. A small giggle on the other end. “I’d remember your voice anywhere, Sakura-chan. It’s so wonderful to hear from you again.” Dark hair gets pushed behind her ear as she repositions the phone. “You sound just as beautiful as I remember.” A soft sigh. “How have you been, Sakura-chan?” “I’ve been all right,” Sakura says, though she certainly doesn’t feel all right. But it was accurate enough. She may not have been her best lately, but she could have been much worse, right? “Just busy, I guess. High school’s a lot harder than I expected. Especially without you there to help me understand some of the lessons. I probably wouldn’t have even passed the entrance exams without you helping me study for them.” The other girl shakes her head, not believing the praise. “Sakura- chan would have done just fine on her own. You would have rushed at the last moment without me, but you would have passed them all just fine. And I’m sure your father’s still proud of your grades even without me to help you. You’re very bright, Sakura-chan. You just don’t pay attention enough to certain things because your mind is always elsewhere. But I would never want to change that. It’s too cute to get rid of. So I don’t think anyone would mind if your grades suffer just a bit because of it. It’s who you are.” A small smile plays at Sakura’s lips. She rolls on her side, her legs pulling up to her stomach. “Thank you, Tomoyo-chan. I guess I haven’t been paying as much attention as I could. But there’s always so much to think about. It’s hard to focus on the lessons all the time.” Tomoyo giggles. “See? So my Sakura-chan has nothing to worry about. You’ll do just fine, I promise.” Sakura nods, starting to believe it. “It always feels like that when I talk to you. Like it really will be all right. ‘Everything will always be all right,’ ne, Tomoyo-chan?” “Of course it will, Sakura-chan. You just have to keep believing that. You will make it all work out. That’s your own special type of magic. Never give up. You can overcome anything. I have faith in you. I know everything will be all right for you,” Tomoyo replies comfortingly. Emerald eyes close, the world slipping away. She holds onto Tomoyo’s voice, her only anchor to the world. It laps about her like a gentle wave, caressing away the aches and pains in her heart. “But what about you?” she asks, not even sure why. But the way Tomoyo said that... She wants things to work out for her best friend, too. Not only herself. Otherwise what was the point? There’s a pause on the other end. It’s only for half a second, but it feels so long for Tomoyo. But when she replies, she sounds like her normal eccentric self. “If everything is all right for Sakura- chan, then everything will be fine for me. Because then I’ll know you’re happy. That’s all I really want.” Sakura swallows painfully, her eyes closing tighter. “Tomoyo-chan... I’m sorry I haven’t seen you in a while.” The heiress gingerly brushes away the apology. “Please don’t worry, Sakura-chan. I know you’ve been busy. Especially with Li-kun back. You have a lot going on in your life. You finally have a love life now on top of everything else, after all.” This time it’s Sakura’s turn to pause. She hadn’t known how to explain that. Or what to say about it. Or even where to begin. “You know that Li-kun is here?” “Hai,” Tomoyo replies. “Meiling-chan told me. We’ve been keeping in contact. I’ve been writing her some letters. I think she’s needed someone to talk to who understands. She isn’t taking Li-kun being in love with you very well. But don’t worry, Sakura-chan. She’s a strong girl. She reminds me of my mother. I think she’ll be just fine.” What Tomoyo doesn’t mention is how her mother had handled the loss of her own love. If Meiling takes the same path, then she probably won’t ever be on good terms with Sakura. But there is no point in worrying the Cardmistress about such things. “But.. I need you..” Sakura whispers, barely audibly. She feels a tinge of jealousy that Meiling was getting Tomoyo’s letters, getting Tomoyo’s support when she wanted it herself. She misses it terribly, having the dark haired girl there with her, to catch her when she stumbled, to help push her forward when she wasn’t strong enough herself. She wasn’t the same without Tomoyo there beside her. Tomoyo brought out things inside of her that made life so much more amazing. Life on her own felt so tedious. It was too normal, too boring without the cute girl videotaping her every movement, whispering embarrassing things to her, giving her all the love and support she could need. “Sakura-chan?” Sakura shakes her head, swallowing again and again to force down the knot in her throat. She shouldn’t cry now. Tomoyo was her friend. She didn’t need to worry about her problems when she was so busy. She tries to speak, but she stops herself, her voice about to break. She’ll cry if she says something, she knows it. “Sakura-chan?” Tomoyo says, more anxiously this time. “Are you all right? What’s been happening? What’s wrong?” Her voice is still a whisper, but now it’s stronger, trying to make sure it gets to Sakura. Sakura is supposed to be happy now. Things are supposed to be working out for her. But there are tears laced under Sakura’s words. Something is bothering her auburn haired friend. And she hadn’t been there to help it. She had been trying to step back from Sakura’s life, leaving her in Syaoran’s capable hands. At least, she had thought they were capable. But if that was the case, why wasn’t Sakura going to him right now? She wants to reach out and hold the other girl, but all she can do is wait for the silence to end. “He’s... I’ve just been...” Sakura swallows again, blinking again and again. The tears sting at her eyes as she struggles to find her voice. But she can’t use magic to return it the way she had recaptured Tomoyo’s voice. Her teary eyes blink open. On her desk she sees a picture of herself with her boyfriend, his face scowling even in the picture of the two of them. Just as he always did. Those amber eyes looking into her own so uncomfortably. But when she closed her eyes on those starry, starry nights, she didn’t see those amber eyes. Those eyes could not read her soul. They couldn’t see into her heart. They didn’t blaze passionately the way the beautiful stormy blue eyes in her mind did, the ones she gazed into under the moonlight in her dreams. “Sometimes I wish you had been a boy. Then maybe you would have fallen in love with me.” Sakura laughs weakly, only half joking. “You always understood me. You were always there for me. I always felt safe with you. Like it didn't matter that my feelings were always so confusing. You helped me sort them out. You took such great care of my heart. Like it was a delicate treasure.”' "I wouldn't need to be a boy to fall in love with you, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo's soft voice whispers through the phone. It is so quiet that Sakura has to strain to hear her now. The Cardmistress finds herself blushing once again. But this time she doesn’t try to ignore it. She won’t just push it off this time. “Really?” she asks, almost desperately. She was afraid what she had said about Tomoyo being a boy would sound stupid or embarrassing. But the dark haired girl had soothed away her worries again with her response. Had, in fact, sprung up some hope in Sakura’s heart. “I didn’t realize how happy you made me until I stopped seeing you, Tomoyo-chan. I miss you. I miss you so much.” Sakura feels hot tears slip down her cheeks as she rolls onto her back again, a hand over her heart. Tomoyo blinks weakly. She is having trouble focussing. Everything feels so hazy and dreamlike. She’s so tired, but she pushes past that as best she can. A warm smile lights up her face. “I’ve missed you, too, Sakura-chan. More than you could ever know. You’re all I ever think about. You always made me happy, too. All of my happiest times were with you.” “Tomoyo-chan...” Sakura clutches the phone tightly, her heart rumbling in her chest. There is so much she wants to say, but she doesn’t even know where to begin. Her feelings are all a jumble, just as always. But maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. Tomoyo always understood before. Even when she herself didn’t know what lay in her heart. “Sakura-chan... I’ll always love you...” Tomoyo whispers sleepily, her voice barely carrying over the phone. She looks blearily at her mother’s letter opener, wiping away the fresh blood from it with weak, numb fingers. The phone ringing had barely managed to catch her attention after she had used it to etch out a ticket away from her life. Life without Sakura was too empty. It was like getting a taste of heaven and then being snatched away, separated from that bliss. It is so nice to hear Sakura one last time, she thinks tiredly. What a perfect goodbye present. It’s a good thing that Sakura can’t see her bloody and in her nightgown in bed. Her poor Cardmistress wouldn’t take that well at all. So this way, she could find a softer way of saying goodbye. She tries so hard to keep thinking, but it’s all getting so much more difficult. Her room seems so far away. The last thing she hears is Sakura’s beautiful voice ringing in her ears. The voice of an angel. Her angel. And as always, Tomoyo somehow hands Sakura the missing piece. Things slowly begin to fit. A beautiful picture begins to take shape, it’s implications almost too much for Sakura to take in all at once. No, she hadn’t been in love with Syaoran after all. He wasn’t the one who nurtured her heart, who shared her deepest joys and darkest sorrows. He wasn’t the one who loved her for all that she was. The puzzle slowly completed itself in her mind’s eye. It held a gorgeous picture of a girl with deep blue eyes and snow white skin, dark hair flowing about her. Tomoyo. It had always been Tomoyo. That’s why her life wasn’t working without her. She truly does need the dark haired heiress. More than she could possibly imagine. “I love you, too, Tomoyo-chan...” she answers, her cheeks red. It feels so freeing to say it, to let it out. Yes, she loves her. Boy or not. It didn’t matter. Tomoyo completed her life. Without her, everything was chaos. She waits anxiously for Tomoyo’s reply, but nothing comes. The phone slowly slips away from the dark haired girl’s dead fingers, clattering to the floor. “Tomoyo-chan?” Sakura asks. No response. “Tomoyo-chan?” Perhaps Tomoyo had fallen asleep. She had sounded so tired on the phone, so weak and quiet. Yes, that’s it. Sakura listens intently, but she can’t even hear Tomoyo’s gentle breathing on the other end. “Tomoyo-chan?” Still nothing. It’s as if the world has gone silent on the other end of the phone. “Tomoyo-chan? I love you...” Click.